Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
