I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
