I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
