So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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