I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
