I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize