By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
