ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
