I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
