Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
