she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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