I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You can't motorboat a personality
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
