He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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