i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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