and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize