At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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