whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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