So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
