4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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