my vag is so smooth its legendary
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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