Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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