you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she woke up with a sticky ear
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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