Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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