Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
