The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
