apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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