got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
