I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
