If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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