girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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