Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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