God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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