You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
