I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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