I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
