I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
