you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
