He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
