He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
