I can tuck mytits in my pants
i need an iv and a liver transplant
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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