don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
