he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
