Don't make out with my wife yet
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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