Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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