I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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