She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
