if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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