Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
