I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
