i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
