I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
