this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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