Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
