if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
