when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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