Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
