He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
