If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
