Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
