Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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